Its been a weird few days for me. I’m trying not to spiral and be all over the place. I need to make a serious to-do list today, for my life. All aspects. I have so many things going on, and I just need to reel it all in and get my shit together: work, kids, finances. The kids have 8 days of school left, and it’s nothing but field trips, money for this, sign this, papers to read, and so forth. Work is a shit show, and I’m trying to find my place in it. I’m good at what I do, and I love what I do. Normally, when you grow up, you don’t think to yourself, “I want to work in a service department.” But I’ve grown up in this atmosphere; I’m good at managing the department, I’m a great multitasker, and I can work well under pressure. I just need to be able to do “what I do.”
I have commitment issues. I started a Keto diet months ago, lost 30 pounds, looked great, felt great, quit doing it, and now I’ve gained it back; why couldn’t I just stick to my Keto and working out every night? I used to be heavy into my spiritualness, meditating and reading my tarot cards for others. It saved me in so many ways; my awakening was an experience I can never put into words, and I’ve always wished everyone could experience it. Why couldn’t I stick to it? I was sober for a year, and the day of my one year, I took a drink; why couldn’t I just remain sober? Why didn’t I finish my schooling all the way? If I could go back and do what I have a passion for, it would be neuropsychiatrist. Why do I quit everything I start and am passionate about? Why do I care how it affects the ones I love the most, but not enough to change, not even for myself? There is a lot to unwrap there. I want to change so bad; where do I begin?
One of the worst things to be as a working individual is “Woke,” as they say. Some days are worse than others; I enjoy working, don’t get me wrong, and that’s a great attribute to have. I sit in this office and stare out the big glass windows that are placed all in the front of my building and ponder the fact that everything is just made up. I waste my day by day working, making this money to buy things, to survive in a world where my 60K a year hardly gets me by, and I still cannot afford to buy a house on my own. I envy the people with no kids who just pack up, live in a van, and travel the world; that is truly living. But then I get brought back down to earth and realize I create my own reality. I can still do all of these things (besides living in a van; it’s a little too late for that) and create the life I want. I don’t have to stare out of these big glass windows and imagine a world that doesn’t exist; I can create them. I just need to commit myself to these changes and stick with them, but with all of this change comes the legwork of sticking with it. What part of my past allows me to disregard any hurt or trauma and continue to quit everything that I start?
I’m going to make a to-do list. I need to hold myself accountable. I need to do some soul searching.
Soberly, Yours. 