I have ribs marinating in the fridge. I used cherry cola as a brine; I love cooking. Food is my love language, but just like drinking, I always overdo it. I cook too much, preparing more than we will ever eat, often leaving hardly any room in the fridge. It tends to be a pattern for me, overdoing it. Drinking and cooking have always been something I looked forward to. Hand in hand, a good Jack and Coke while frying chicken… then eventually it became less Coke and more Jack..
I keep reflecting on Michael’s question last night, “Why did you want to stop and grab a bottle? What made you want to stop?” That’s what he meant. Stop and grab a bottle... I couldn’t answer it other than with a typical, “I felt like it had been a long day at work; my body craves the sugar.” It’s all a bunch of bullshit. I crave the first sip of alcohol the most, the warm burning sensation, feeling my mood immediately loosen up. That’s why I want to stop for a bottle. I want that warm fuzzy feeling without the guilt, the lying, the control it has over me. Always thinking about it, always wanting it.
I’m ready to be free from it. To live in a world that mostly involves drinking in order to have fun, I must remain sober. “Freedom is a mindset, not a set of consequences. Just because I can’t drink anymore doesn’t mean I’m missing out. Being no longer dependent on alcohol is truly what freedom is about.” I learned that from my podcast and played it over and over. Feeling “left out” hit the nail on the head, which also contributed to my relapse. Wishing I could control my drinking and enjoy myself like everyone else. Then, once I celebrated my one-year sober anniversary, I thought, “I deserve this; I can handle this.”
I indeed could not handle it.
Soberly, Yours. 